Roommate Conflict Guide

Before taking any action, it’s important to pause and reflect. Conflict can trigger strong emotional responses, and our brains often default to survival mode: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, especially when we feel threatened or overwhelmed. This is the amygdala at work, the part of the brain that reacts quickly but doesn’t always think clearly. 

To respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively, we need to engage our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for critical thinking, emotional regulation, and empathy. This starts with self-awareness. 

Ask yourself: 

• How am I feeling right now? (e.g., frustrated, hurt, anxious) 

• What exactly happened? Try to describe the situation objectively. 

• What story am I telling myself about this? Is it based on facts or assumptions? 

• Is an incident report needed? Was there a serious breach of safety or policy? 

• Were there any witnesses? Would it help to gather more context? 

This step helps you approach the situation with clarity, emotional regulation, and a mindset that’s open to resolution. It also sets the tone for a more constructive conversation with your roommate or support staff. 

Once you’ve taken time to reflect and regulate your emotions, the next step is to engage in a respectful, honest conversation with your roommate. While this can feel intimidating, it’s often the most effective way to resolve misunderstandings before they escalate. 

Start by approaching the conversation with curiosity, not accusation. Remember that your roommate may see the situation very differently based on their background, personality, or past experiences. Everyone brings a unique lens to conflict, shaped by culture, upbringing, communication style, and emotional needs. 

Use “I” statements to express how you feel without placing blame. For example: 

• “I felt overwhelmed when the kitchen was left messy because I had a long day and needed a clean space to cook.” 

• “I noticed I’ve been feeling disconnected lately and wanted to check in about how we’re doing as roommates.” 

Practice active listening by giving your full attention, avoiding interruptions, and reflecting back what you hear. Try saying: 

• “What I’m hearing is that you didn’t realize how that affected me, is that right?” 

• “Can you help me understand what was going on for you in that moment?” 

If emotions run high, it’s okay to pause and return to the conversation later. The goal isn’t to “win” the conflict, it’s to understand each other better and work toward a shared solution. 

If the issue continues or feels too difficult to handle on your own, reach out to your Residence Life Student Leader. These student leaders are trained to support you in navigating conflict and are here to walk alongside you—not to take over the situation, but to help you move through it with wisdom and care. 

Residence Life Student Leaders are equipped with tools in communication, mediation, and conflict resolution. They can help you: 

• Clarify your thoughts and feelings before another conversation 

• Understand your roommate’s perspective more clearly 

• Identify next steps or resources that may be helpful 

• Facilitate a respectful and productive dialogue if needed 

• Receive the additional supports you need 

This step is not about “getting someone in trouble” it’s about inviting support so that both you and your roommate can move toward resolution in a healthy, constructive way. Reaching out is a sign of maturity and leadership, not weakness. Do not wait too long to receive support. 

After receiving support from a Residence Life Student Leader or taking time to reflect, it’s important to return to the conversation with your roommate. This second conversation is often where real progress happens. It shows that you’re committed not just to airing concerns, but to working toward resolution and mutual understanding. 

By this point, you may have gained new tools such as active listening, reframing, or a better understanding of your own and your roommate’s perspectives. Use this opportunity to revisit the issue with a calmer mindset and a clearer sense of what you need and what you’re willing to compromise on. 

This conversation might sound like: 

• “I’ve been thinking more about our last conversation, and I’d like to try again with a clearer head.” 

• “I realized I may not have fully understood your side, can we talk more about it?” 

• “I want to find a solution that works for both of us. Can we revisit this together?” 

Re-engaging in dialogue after reflection is a sign of maturity and leadership. It models the kind of resilience and relational care that TWU values in its community. Even if the issue isn’t fully resolved yet, this step builds trust and opens the door for deeper understanding. 

If the conflict remains unresolved, the next step is to connect with your Residence Director (RD). RDs are full-time professional staff members who are deeply invested in your growth and well-being. They bring experience, training, and a broader perspective to help navigate more complex or ongoing roommate challenges. 

Your RD can: 

• Offer a safe, confidential space to process the situation 

• Help you reflect on what’s working and what’s not 

• Provide additional tools or strategies for communication and resolution 

• Assess whether further mediation or a change in living arrangements may be necessary 

This step is not about escalating the issue, it’s about deepening the support available to you. RDs are here to help you grow through conflict, not just get past it. They’ll work with you to ensure that any next steps align with your personal development, the values of gospel-centered community, and the overall health of the residence environment. 

Engaging your RD demonstrates a commitment to resolving conflict with maturity, integrity, and care for the community around you. 

If previous efforts haven’t led to a resolution, your Residence Director (RD) may offer a more formal mediation process. This step is designed to provide a structured, supportive environment where both roommates can express their concerns, clarify misunderstandings, and work toward a resolution that respects each person’s needs and boundaries. 

RD-led mediation often includes: 

• A deeper exploration of the root causes of the conflict 

• Clearer expectations and agreements moving forward 

• A focus on restoring trust and communication 

• A neutral, professional presence to guide the conversation 

This process is not punitive it’s restorative. It reflects TWU’s commitment to gospel-centered community, where conflict is seen as an opportunity for growth, not division. Participating in RD mediation demonstrates a high level of maturity and a desire to live in alignment with the values of respect, accountability, and reconciliation. 

If all steps have been taken and challenges persist, your RD will support you in revisiting and rewriting the roommate agreement. This is not a sign of failure—it’s an opportunity to reflect, reset expectations, and create a more sustainable and respectful living environment for everyone involved. 

This step may include: 

• Reviewing the current roommate agreement to identify areas of conflict or ambiguity 

• Clarifying expectations around shared responsibilities, communication, and boundaries 

• Incorporating lessons learned from past experiences into the new agreement 

• Setting shared goals for a healthier and more collaborative living dynamic 

The purpose of this process is not only to address immediate concerns but also to foster your growth as a communicator, community member, and Christian leader. At TWU, we believe that even difficult roommate situations can be transformative, helping you develop the empathy, resilience, and interpersonal skills essential for thriving in all areas of life. 

Even if earlier steps have led to improved communication and a more positive dynamic, rewriting the roommate agreement remains a valuable and necessary step. It formalizes the progress made, reinforces mutual understanding, and provides a clear, shared reference point moving forward. By capturing the new commitments and insights gained through the resolution process, the updated agreement helps prevent future misunderstandings and supports a more intentional, respectful living environment. It also serves as a tangible reminder of the growth that has taken place—both individually and as roommates.